The Rules: How to Have an Office Romance

should you tell colleagues you’re dating a coworker?

Around 40 percent of people say they’ve dated a coworker, according to a 2011 survey conducted by Careerbuilder.com. That shouldn't be surprising -- after all, Americans spend an average of 9 hours a day at the office, so the likelihood of meeting someone there who sparks a romantic interest is pretty high. Unless you’re at, or nearing, the engaged or married stage in your office romance, though, it’s best to keep your relationship a secret. You don’t want to give the impression to your peers or, worse, your bosses, that you don’t take your job seriously. Even if you stay mum, keeping the romance under wraps may be tougher than you think: “Do you really ‘tell’ coworkers? Or do you delude yourself that they haven’t figured it out before the day you acknowledged what they already know?” asks Stephanie Losee, co-author of Office Mate: Your Employee Handbook for Romance on the Job. “Just as often, they identify a couple-in-the-making before the couple has even admitted it to themselves.” But that doesn't mean you can't demur when you're asked.

pda restrictions

Get control of yourself, says Losee. “[I have] one word for office PDA: Never.” You don’t want to dent your professional credibility. After all, how would you feel if you walked in on two colleagues smooching at the copy machine? Are you teenagers at a high school dance or adults in the workforce? Depending on the circumstances, it might even be considered a violation of sexual harassment laws, and that’s the type of infraction you definitely don’t want in your human resources file.

is it ever okay to expense a date?

There’s a word for this workplace blunder, as well, Losee says: “Fraud.” A business meeting is one thing, but a date is another one altogether. “It’s called an office romance because you met at work,” she explains. “But you don’t conduct your romance at work, and you certainly don’t charge it to your employer.” So don’t be tempted, even after a few happy-hour cocktails, to pull out your corporate card. Do you think you couldn’t possibly get caught? Well, you can. And why risk it?

what if he’s your boss or client?

Unfortunately, when you’re dating your boss, his boss needs to know, and when you’re dating a client, your boss needs to know. After all, this can affect raises and promotions and your company’s business -- or it could at least be perceived that way. “But don’t go [to the boss] together as if you’re a couple of kids confessing you rode your bikes on the street,” advises Losee. “The senior of the two of you should go alone to explain that you’ve become romantically involved and you thought they needed to know.” At that point, it’s up to the big boss how he/she wants to handle the situation. (Note: Go easy on the details!)

what if he’s your subordinate?

If you’re the boss between the two of you, recognize that someone will most likely need a new position within the company, Losee says. “You will likely be moved out of a position of power over him, just as you should be,” she explains. “Only a third of companies have office romance policies (that discourage or forbid office romance), but those that do have them for this exact situation.” So ask yourself if the relationship is worth the possible consequences, which could actually include termination. At the same time, Losee says she and her co-author can’t wholeheartedly recommend against dating outside your job level either: “The boss-subordinate relationship is the diciest of all, but it has double the marriage rate of other office romances.” And she attributes that to the risk involved. “Couples tend not to make the leap unless they’re convinced it could be true love.” But beware -- if it isn’t true love, you could lose the job and the guy.

lunch and coffee breaks

This isn’t as much about who you’re spending your lunch and coffee breaks with, but rather, who you’re not spending them with, Losee says. You could be sacrificing important colleague bonding time. “You don’t want to alienate your office gang,” she explains. “You depend on them for information and support.” And the opposite is also true: They depend on you. Losee recommends using your lunch and coffee breaks to keep them as close as always and “restrict time with your honey for afterhours.”

arrivals and departures

Showing up a few minutes apart from each other in the mornings after overnighters? Leaving at different times at the end of the workday before date nights? You’re doing the right thing. “Go out of your way to ensure your privacy,” Losee suggests. And that’s most crucial at the very beginning of the relationship when neither one of you knows for sure whether it’s just a fling or has long-term potential. But after a while, when everyone at your office is already aware of your relationship (whether or not you’re aware that it’s public knowledge), staggering arrivals and departures may just seem silly. “Once it’s become apparent that you’re a couple, a certain level of pretense does nothing but get the eye roll.” Oh, and think no one will notice if you’re wearing the same outfit you wore yesterday? Think again.

company e-mail and im

Love notes over company email and IM may seem sweet and harmless; they may even motivate you through the day. But watch out. “Email and IM at work is the property of the company, and companies don’t even pretend anymore that they don’t read [the correspondence],” Losee warns. She and her co-author have even interviewed couples who’ve been presented with printouts of their entire relationship. “Do you want that to be you?”

the annual holiday party

Would it be safer to skip the annual holiday party altogether for fear of being found out? Well, it might be safer, but attending the festivities can be a good decision when it comes to office politics. So what should you do? Take it easy, Losee says: “Attend; stop drinking after one cocktail; and stay away from each other. Use it to socialize with your office crew and to get free food.” If you’re planning a sleepover, you may also want to space out your exits the way you do at the office.

what if you break up?

“Be adults. You can do it. Don’t pull other people into the middle. Conduct yourselves with dignity,” says Losee. Sounds simple, but what if a certain someone -- namely, ahem, him -- isn’t cooperating? “Ask him to meet you after work to talk about it,” she says. “People who act out after an office romance breaks up need nothing more exotic than to be heard and have their pain acknowledged.” Remind him that while you were together you were discreet to maintain a professional image, and that spilling secrets retroactively can backfire for both of you just as easily. And don’t forget the tissues.

what if you’re competing for a position or project?

You’re only likely to face this sticky situation if you and your guy are at the same place in your careers, in the same department. So how do you handle it? "You may decide 'May the best person win,' or [one of you] may decide to reject the opportunity in favor of the other person," says Lisa Mainiero, Ph.D., office romance expert and co-author of The Opt-Out Revolt: Why People Are Leaving Companies to Create Kaleidoscope Careers. If he earns the role, she says, “Be at least as happy for [him] as you would for a friend,” and the same applies to him should you earn it job. Losee agrees that serious couples need to proceed with caution. If you’re not sure your relationship can handle the competition or risk of resentment, the one who is least content at the company should take a step back. “Often one person is much happier with his or her position than the other.” She suggests looking at it as less of a sacrifice and more of an opportunity to go after the career you (or he) really want. “Serendipity may await.” If the romance is just a fling, though, says Mainiero, "all bets are of."

what if you get engaged?

Congratulations! At this point you can much more safely reveal your relationship and finally live your lives out in the open. But prepare yourselves for a big wedding, Losee says: “Colleagues often take pride of ownership of a successful pair-up in their midst.” If you don't want a big wedding, then follow the all-or-nothing rule: If you can’t invite the whole office, then don’t invite any coworkers -- no exceptions.